Enough is enough

Everybody makes mistakes. For me, the hardest part is recognizing what I need to learn from them. I can pick apart and see the negative sides for as many hours possible in a day... but is that even beneficial? Hardly.

I recently had a conversation with my parents where I told them how I came to the realization that I am an enabler. I thought I had good characteristics of being a good listener, of being a good friend... but I think I went to the extreme. I allow people to push their opinions on me so they can vent. I do things that I don't necessarily want to do as long as it makes somebody else happy. I like to see people happy. I don't like negative situations. I do anything and everything possible to ensure the people around me are comfortable. I usually put myself at the bottom of the chain in terms of who needs what and how crucial it is. But at what cost?

Enough is enough. I will not put myself in sour situations. I know what these situations are and I can't allow them to happen. Example, Creed. I still get texts from him. Almost like he is purposely trying to mess with my mind. I don't know if he honestly wants to be friends or if he is trying to parade his life in a way to make me jealous. It doesn't matter to me either way. The time of my life when Creed was a part of it is over. Being straightforward- The time with Creed was one of the most difficult, negative, awful, times of my life. If it were not for the strength of my family and the constant love and support from them, I do not know if I would have ever been able to talk about what happened and open up about the ill-treatment and essentially free myself from that dreadful circumstance. I go along with the texts to be a good friend. I let him ask me medical questions when Brittany (his girlfriend/fiance') was going through health problems. I don't know why I placate Creed. It isn't going to happen anymore.

There are a few people I get texts from and I try to be nice. I don't know why. However, today I realized how cutting that really is. I hurt a good friend. One of my best friends while I have been in St. George. The worst part... I don't know how to repair it... if that is even possible. Trying to make the less-important people in my life comfortable and happy really damaged the most important friendship for me right now.

I guess I should have known it would bite me eventually. The thought of everything makes me sick. I am upset with myself for enabling Creed and the other people. I'm upset I haven't openly expressed my views and made my values known. I'm upset about breaking a friendship with a man who shows me that gentlemen do exist. Well.... It is time to make some changes. I wont allow myself to be walked over. I can't jeopardize what is important to me. I wont major in the minors.

I know this post isn't exactly happy. It isn't the attitude I try to possess. It's lengthy. But I had to acknowledge my mistakes, have the self-realization of where I need to make changes.

"Sometimes the hardest thing in life is deciding which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn."